Its Okay to Cry
In the spring of 2017, I had gotten to a point where I had accepted the fact that I may never carry a child. No doctor had said that I could not carry a child, but after being married for 8 years, I had decided that it probably was not going to happen. I had come to the realization that God put foster care on my heart for a reason, and that my children where going to come through this calling.
I had a discussion with a friend who has 5 children and knew my desire for kids. She said she saw a peace in me as I shared my “realization” with her. Little did I know that there were still some hurt feelings lingering.
The second Sunday in May can be brutal.
May 14, 2017 was brutal.
I walked into our church with a brave face on, but as soon as the first person walked on stage to speak, the tears started flowing. I was sitting with friends who had adopted a year prior and this was her first Mother’s Day. I tried so hard to hide that I was crying. I had no words to share when people asked what was wrong. My husband talked with those friends afterwards and commented that this was the first time that Mother’s Day had stung him as well. We were both in a place where we felt like it was time for our family to be more than just us and the cat.
Did you know, God has a sense of humor?
Later that week I started having pain in my kidneys and went in for a doctors appointment. I was expecting to get some antibiotics and a prescription to rest, but instead, we received the surprising news that we were expecting a child and couldn’t get the medicine. So five short days after balling in church service, I find out that my emotions were just my little guy inside.
I share this during infertility week for two reasons-
The wait…. Wow the wait! It is hard, and somehow it seems like when you are waiting everyone else has everything they have ever wanted. Know this, you wait in good company. Remember our friends Sarah and Abraham did not have their child until after Sarah turned 90! Waiting times are growing times. I think the biggest thing to remember is that you can lean into God, and sometimes that means crying those painful tears to Him.
This is vulnerable, but I think part of why there is such thing as infertility awareness week is to let other families know that you get it, or that you are willing to learn. US Health and Human Services says, “ Infertility is common. Out of 100 couples in the United States, about 12 to 13 of them have trouble becoming pregnant.” Part of what I learned early in my pregnancy is that I have a bicornuate uterus. I was told that I had probably been pregnant before but because of the wall present in my uterus, it could not implant. Before I was diagnosed with this, I had never heard of it. Once I became okay with my diagnosis, I found that I had friends who had the same thing. Conversations about fertility and health do not have to be awkward.
The second Sunday in May is different this year as I celebrate my second Mother’s Day as a mama however, I still hurt for those around me hurting. I understand the hurt of those around me. My arms and ears are open to those waiting around me.